The Nature of Freedom

The concept of freedom is to be unencumbered by external or internal influences and have the ability to do as one wished when one should wish to do so. It's a nice notion, and one America seems to rest all of its ideals and arguments upon. It might be left over from the 1700s, but us here down under 'down under' realised the second we stepped off the boast 250+ years ago that we were free, despite the chains around most ankles.

But freedom is an illusion, made impossible by the fact that we are bound to these physical bodies. Bodies that require attention and often at the most inconvenient times. How often have you been in the middle of a movie, or something more exciting (like sex), and our bladder screams for release? Or your hunger pangs prevent you from going for a walk or even thinking clearly? We are in a physical body with its own demands and limitations, which inherently negates the possibility of true freedom.

But, it's not even just about the physical body. When you add in the thoughts and emotions we have, it removes us even further form true freedom. How many of us are slaves to our ego, our lust, our fears? All of us, to some extent. We think freedom is a real possibility? Sure, we can be free from some level of influence, but who can say they are free, if not from internal, but external influences? Every where i look there's some one, some sign or advertisement telling me to do this, but not that, This is the external world imposing its limitations and restrictions on our actions.

Thereality is that true freedom, in the physical, will ring chaos and anarchy and we wont get anything done. The only place true freedom exists, and works, is in the afterlife, the spirit world. I'm not saying we should all be in a hurry to get there. I'm simply suggesting we accept that true freedom is the physical is not possible and stop striving for it and just be. Or at the very least, stop killing for it.

What is love?

I recently listened to a podcast by a lady named Jane Donovan called 'LoveLife' and this particular episode was called 'What is Love?' In it Jane talks about the different types of love, referencing the Five Love Languages, and how people show love.

It got me thinking, how do I show love? Time. Spending (and making) time with the people is how I show them I love them. Quality time too, not just the superficial kind, but actually talking and connecting and being present. This is one of the five love languages apparently. 

I also show love by doing things for people, or 'acts of service'. Whether it's big or small, I always show people I care by helping in some way. Not so much with money, but services. I might buy my loved ones a meal or a beer, but usually it's by helping out with something that needs to be done. Like moving house, for example. I have been known to buy people flowers or some kind of junk food treat, especially when I can't physically help them.

 

I am also definitely an affectionate person, I show love by 'physical touch'. Hugs or kisses are the easiest way for me to show, and be shown, affection. I'm a lot more affectionate with lovers, but I am always quick with a hug and a kiss on the cheek as a salutation.

The last two of the five I don't do. Saying 'I love you' means nothing if you don't show it - your actions must match your words. I'm also not big on buying stuff because I'm not a fan of materialism. Besides, buying a new ring will get old eventually. I mean, I o it habe 10 fingers. What will you do then? Toe rings? Bracelets?

This all got me thinking about self-love. What struck me as odd is that I don't show myself love in these ways. I don't spend time with myself, do things for myself or show myself affection. It also struck me that this would be the perfect strategy to start showing love to myself.

Self-love has been a struggle all my life. There is a culture in Australia, called the 'tall poppy syndrome', where you are ridiculed for having a high (or perhaps it might actually be healthy,) level of self-confidence and you are seen as 'up yourself' if you say you love yourself, or even like yourself. People don't like you getting 'too big for your boots' and say things to bring you down.

Early on you realise it is not normal, even wrong, to love yourself, or even like yourself. People would say 'look at her, she loves herself sick!' And you'd be looked down upon for doing it. So this 'tell yourself you love yourself' thing has been particularly hard as I didn't want to appear 'up-myself'.

Now, i realise it is not my problem. It is not my problem what people think of me. This 'tall poppy' culture is not my problem. I have accepted it is a reflection of the society in which I live, not a reflection on me in any way. It is perfectly acceptable to have a healthy level of self-confidence and self-love. Still, the how alluded me.

Until I heard Jane's podcast. Until I thought of how I needed to show these things to myself. Until I made a decision to start doing so. Then I started to love myself just a little bit more.

It's a long journey, and one whose path I have already veered away from, but perhaps writing this will remind me. I'll also not beat myself up for getting off track. I'll simply hop back on the 'self-love' road and gonabout my business. 

Fear Triggers, Emotional Reactions and Manifestation

Of all the lessons I have learned in my life, fear manifestation has been the hardest to assimilate. I understand that what we focus on is what we manifest, and there have been numerous instances of myself attracting what I did not want. Yet, I still find myself focusing on my fears and bringing the exact experiences I do not want into my life.

The perfect example occurred today.

I did not get much sleep last night because of a spoilt cat and some other emotional turmoil that kept my mind racing from 2am when the cat woke me for food, until sometime shortly before 5 when I think I dozed lightly until my alarm woke me at ten minutes to 7 (adjusted at sometime around 5 am in the hopes of getting an extra 30 minutes sleep in). All up I had around 5 hours of broken sleep and I knew the day was going to be a struggle.

The aforementioned 'spoilt cat', Eddie Treebird. Just can't stay mad at that face!

You see, I am a teacher. A high school teacher. And teenagers are like hungry lions hunting their prey – if they find a weakness they attack until they are sated and their prey is a mangled mess of blood and bones. Well, they were the lions and I was the lame wildebeest! They sensed my weakness and were relentless. And if I was less self-aware I would be typing this from a deep, hot bubble bath surrounded by candles, wine and some random relaxation music from YouTube.

But I am self-aware, and the reality is I created these experiences by my own actions and reactions. Sure, I was the lame wildebeest, but had I just grabbed a camouflaged split to hide my gammy leg I would never have been devoured and I would now be running in the wild with the rest of my wildebeest family!

Had I gone into today without expectation, or with the expectation that I would have a good day and that I would be in control regardless of how I felt, I would have been fine. However, I didn’t and this expectation also triggered other emotions in me, namely that of inadequacy.

I have struggle with feelings of inadequacy and not being good enough for as long as I can remember and for reasons I can list with almost all my fingers. I have worked extremely hard in recent years at rectifying and healing this side of me, but it rears its ugly head every now and then, especially when I am already a bit emotional.

So, not only did I go into today with expectations of struggle, but with my inadequacy in overdrive and it showed in the events of the day. I failed to begin the lessons well and lost my way in the middle. I saw the slightest disruption or distracted student as utter contempt and disrespect for me on their part. I engaged in arguments with students that I would have otherwise nipped in the bud with ‘we will discuss this tomorrow at lunch’. And I ended up making my emotional state worse in the long run.

These, in fact most behaviours exhibited by teenagers is the result of nothing more sinister than bad choices, lack of understanding and experience, and misplaced priorities. Yet, I allowed my expectations and emotions to interpret them as a coordinated attack, when the truth is they couldn’t coordinate themselves into an orderly canteen line, let alone a plot to undermine my authority.

At the end of the day, I manifested this situation – my expectations guided my actions and reactions and I had the bad day I ‘knew’ I would. And we do it all the time! How often have we gone to a family dinner party expecting to get into a fight and the exact thing has happened? Worse still, how many times has this happened because of our own actions? How often have we had to fight for something simply because we always have had to and expect to continue to? How often do we attract the wrong partner because we have the ‘all men/women are arseholes/bitches’ mentality?

The list of examples is endless! So, what do we do?

For me, it is time to put my big girl pants on, face my fears of inadequacy, take responsibility for my own actions, release the expectations and just ‘see what happens’. Sure, I didn’t sleep well and I am a little emotional, but I’ll take a deep breath and ‘see what happens’. I might just surprise myself. Having said this, the students will still argue, misbehave and fail to listen, but I will be in a better emotional state (fake it til you make it, right?) and will not react the same way and things will not escalate as far in the future.

And that is a win for all involved. :)

Grace

Grace: courteous good will, smoothness and elegance of movement (google definition) As this is my first blog in over 12 months, I will just focus on Grace independent of anything else and hope that the more complicated stuff comes later! It is good to be back though!! :) When I think of Grace, I always go straight to the ballerina: graceful, elegant and light on her feet; flowing smoothly through the moves to the music; never faltering, or at the very least being able to move gracefully through their mistakes so that they lay person never knew there was one. All the things so completely foreign to me all I can do is stare in silent awe… But I know there is a different kind of Grace, the one that exists in our souls, shines through in our spirit. For me, this is about being soft and elegant in your mannerisms and interactions with people. It also has an element of empathy and humility that goes beyond the physical. Grace is about accepting what is, and quietly standing in your power as you do it. It is also about going with the flow of life, allowing things to change and accepting when they do - moving with grace through conflict and struggles. This also adds an element of dignity and integrity as you remain strong and centred. Unfortunately for me, these are all the things I struggle with... On the physical – I am extremely heavy footed, stomping around my house no matter how quiet I try to be (but I am naturally a loud person…). When I do sport of some kind, and I make a mistake, I make such a fuss that everyone knows about it, I can’t hide my own frustration at myself. The spiritual – I am a lover of routine and dependability, and struggle when life throws the little curve balls at me. I tend to buck back like an angry bull rather than flow through it like the ballerina who miss-stepped. My lesson in all this is about surrender: surrender to the process; surrender to the flow of life; surrender to the mother and father and follow their guidance; surrender to my own authentic, higher self and listen to her advice; surrender my expectations of self and others and accept what is with assertiveness. If I can do this, maybe that sense of grace that is missing from my life will appear? Or maybe not… Either way, it is clear that surrender and acceptance will be better for me in the long run, even if grace is perpetually absent.

Sex and Sexuality in the 21st Century

I have been thinking a lot about sex and sexuality of late and what society has deemed acceptable or appropriate – from girls dressing ‘slutty’ in shorts that barely cover their arses to boys having more product in their hair than a drag queen in Los Vegas, I have been forced to reassess my ideas about sexuality and let go of some old prejudices and assumptions. This is all well and good, but I found that I was still hanging onto some about myself and my own sexuality. Sure, I can accept that some girls like to show off their arses for whatever reason, but I could not accept my own view of myself as a sexual being, a sexual goddess, if you will. Recently, I have noticed a pattern in my relationships that cannot be ignored. When they first started out I am sexy, flirty and downright dirty in bed. I am confident, adventurous and selfish while at the same time focusing on pleasing him. In my current relationship I had even grown to enjoy giving BJs! More for the reaction I got from him than any personal pleasure, so it’s still a little selfish… But, once it was official and I had met the parents I became withdrawn sexually with little to no libido, let alone adventure! A pattern had clearly emerged and, simply put, it was this – before commitment = crazy sex lady; after commitment = withdrawn prude. What was happening? I had even discussed this with my current partner, who was aware of me enough to understand that something had changed (Go me! I know, right?!?!), but I was at a loss to explain exactly what. I knew the when, which was great, but there was no going back in my current relationship. Besides this, I was happy to have committed and be moving forward, I didn’t want to go back to the casual friends-with-benefits arrangement! I was happy, he was happy, and clearly attentive to my needs, so what was the problem? I had thought to never find out, but I was wrong. In a rare moment of quiet – while making post-sex eggs if you must know! – a memory resurfaced… a memory that explains everything!! When I was 14 or so I was told, by someone who I assumed knew everything about the male of the species (boy, was I wrong!), the following: “good men don’t take the sluts home to meet the parents!” or something to this effect………. Anyway, the message was pretty clear. If you wanted a guy to fall for you and take you to meet his parents (what girl doesn’t! and I was 14 at the time dreaming about a starry future full of love and family…) you needed to be a certain type of lady. My 14 year old self thought “Good! I won’t be a slut then! I’ll be a good girl with good manners and high morals! I will dress and be classy and elegant like I should be!!” This translated to every aspect of myself and the more I think about it now the more I realise the far reaching impact this one little sentence has had on my life! More importantly, it dawned on me that this is why I retreat, this is why I change my personality and repress my sexuality when the relationship becomes serious. I change it from the outrageous, outgoing, crazy, adventure loving, funny loud mouth who doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks of her to the more acceptable quiet, helpful, thoughtful, nurturing lady society has told us women to be. I become more serious and start to worry about the little things that didn’t bother me before. I also found lately that I am on tenterhooks, as if I am waiting for something to happen, but this is another story all together… Still, the connection is pretty clear. I know that enjoying sex does not make you a slut! I also know that ‘slut’ was and still is a term used to repress women, which is probably why I have always hated it. I know my sexuality is a natural part of being human and it needs to be honoured while I exist on this plane. Now I know the pattern or program that has lead me to this belief I can let it go with love. Say ‘thanks, but no thanks!’ to the little voice in my head and forgive, if not feel some sympathy for, the lady who told me this to start with. I can only imagine what her life is like now still carrying this belief around! I would not even want to hazard a guess, because this is about me and my life, and I want to live in all aspects from my higher self, my authentic self. It just so happens that my authentic self, among other things, really likes sex……

The battle between free will and determinism

Free will - the ability to freely choose one's own actions and deliberate and decide between alternative options.

Determinism - every action in the present is the direct result of everything that came before. 

The battle between which is right has been a focus on philosophical understandings for centuries, ever since Descartes said "I think therefore I am".

It has also been my own inner battle. 

Many people wholeheartedly believe we have free will, yet in the next breath will say something like 'it was meant to be' or 'God works in mysterious ways' or 'it's part of your soul contract!' (From my more spiritual friends). All of these are contrary to the idea of free will. How can you freely choose to do something that was in your soul contract? How can you freely choose when there is a higher power playing us like puppets? 

The reason I ask, more specifically to this article because I am always asking the big questions, is this morning I had made a decision to stay at home and get some stuff done before we go away this weekend. I had told my employer and mentally prepared my day. Then, at 6.50am, this same employer rings me and asks me to work. I politely decline and mention I will see him tomorrow anyway. But it got me thinking, what was I meant to do? Was it predetermined I would stay at home, or was I meant to work based on the fact he called, especially after I had said I wanted the day off? What was it that the universe wanted me to do?? What was in my soul contract about today? 

It occurs to me as I am writing this that I may be reading too much into it. Maybe  the soul contract is similar to a work one - these are you main duties, as long as you fulfil this role, the rest is up to you. Work doesn't tell you what to do on your days off, or even watch over you as you work. They trust you get the job done and take action if you don't. Simple... Since I feel I am on a spiritual 'holiday', as uni is finished for the semester, maybe this is my weekend and I can spend it however I want, meaning that my choice not to work today was made entirely by my free will and not spirit, God or the universe or whatever is causing determinism... 

This is good, since my recent research into the nature of free will and determinism has lead me to believe in more of a soft determinist approach - we can only choose when we are aware of the source of what is causing our actions - 

(Side note - much of my research defined fatalism and determinism - fatalism being the beleif in fate or a higher, guiding power, and determinism being the belief in the influence of biology upon our actions and the idea that the present is caused by what happened before and there can be no other options. Anyway, back to it...)

- one cannot choose to do something other than what they are doing if they are not aware of the psychological or biological mechanisms that lead to this behaviour. Like the woman who always chooses abusive men based on her own experience with men growing up and what this taught her to expect from men - she cannot make a different choice until she is aware of the alternative and that her tendency to choose the former is based on psychological beliefs and assumptions about the world and men. Therefore, it is predetermined that she will always choose abusive men until she is taught otherwise. 

Many would argue that her realisation of her pattern is predetermined, because certain things had to happen in order for her to become aware, and this I have not thought about as yet, but might do now I have a little more time. My initial instinct is to say that it is not, but I am not sure why yet... It's just intuition... 

Anyway, the main point is whether I was meant to work today or stay at home, or whether I had a choice in the matter at all. The idea of removing free will all together fills me with such dread, such fear that I will 'get it wrong' and do something I wasn't meant to do. But on the other hand, if determinism is true then I was always only ever going to have done what I did, therefore, the only 'wrong' exists in my mind and not in reality. The only time it was 'wrong' for me to not work today is in the belief that I was meant to do the other, but if I was I would have, right? Therefore, what I am doing today was always predetermined and would not have changed at all. I am still getting it 'right' despite thinking the opposite...

Anyway, I think for me this little ramble has uncovered something valuable to me... I do believe in a soul contract and I do believe I chose to be here now for a purpose, but that does not include what i do on my weekends!! For me to fulfil my duties to my 'employer' I must first receive my 'job training', which is university - this is what I was doing and will be again once the semester starts next year... So, in the meantime, I am having a 'weekend'. I am going to do what most people do in their 'weekends' and that is whatever they want to: work or don't work; housework or no housework; read or not read; write or not write - it doesn't matter! 

And that's the point... It's my weekend now, I will spend it how I wish and the universe can call me back to 'work' on 'Monday'!! 

Hazards of being an Empath in Love

Sometimes it is hard to be around certain people when you easily pick up their emotions, especially if that person is a significant other. How do you deal with their shit and remain detached when there is an emotional attachment? I find this a very hard thing to deal with... The other night my significant other and I were doing the housework. It has been a big few months, so there was a lot to do. We had a plan of who would do what and set about getting it done. well, he has a tendency to go from zero to Hulk in less than a second when things don't go as smoothly as he expects them to. I am not sure if this is the trait of a ranga, a Leo or just specific to him, but it's there nonetheless... So, as is inevitable when doing housework, things did not go as smoothly as he would like and of course, The Hulk comes out. And then I feel it... It actually hurts me physically and I tend to cower away and want to run and hide in the corner. My adult self know where this comes from, having had an overly aggressive father (Freud would love me!), and I know it has nothing to do with anything I have or haven't done, but still it affects me. I feel it seep into my normally happy, optimistic self and it drains me. I find I unintentionally get sucked into his mood and it wrecks me. He seems to be able to return to normalcy fairly quickly, but it takes me forever... I don't get angry myself, merely sad or frustrated - I haven't been able to pinpoint the exact emotion yet, I just know I feel bad! I feel tired and drained and awful for much longer than he does and sometimes it leaves me sick on the stomach. So, how to deal with it? It is something only I can control - I can't make him stay calm, or look at the real issues underlying his anger, I can only control how I react. This I know... I thought I had it sorted - white light, bubble and send it back with love; remind myself it has nothing to do with me or anything I have done; send love to my inner child and all that - but it seems that I haven't got it as down as I thought. I realise it isn't mine and that it has nothing to do with me, I had that figured out months back, but I still can't seem to detach completely when he does this. I don't have the answers yet, but I do know that the next time it happens I am either going to ask him politely to relocate to another room or do so myself - if I can't work out how to detach from it when in his presence, I will attempt to remove myself physically and see how that goes... Luckily, he is aware of his temper and how it affects me, even if he doesn't understand why or how, and he is willing to compromise! He may not be willing to change it, but he is willing to adjust which is a blessing! I just have to remember it's not mine, it's his and to detach as best I can - it's the only way I think we can survive it!!