The Nature of Freedom

The concept of freedom is to be unencumbered by external or internal influences and have the ability to do as one wished when one should wish to do so. It's a nice notion, and one America seems to rest all of its ideals and arguments upon. It might be left over from the 1700s, but us here down under 'down under' realised the second we stepped off the boast 250+ years ago that we were free, despite the chains around most ankles.

But freedom is an illusion, made impossible by the fact that we are bound to these physical bodies. Bodies that require attention and often at the most inconvenient times. How often have you been in the middle of a movie, or something more exciting (like sex), and our bladder screams for release? Or your hunger pangs prevent you from going for a walk or even thinking clearly? We are in a physical body with its own demands and limitations, which inherently negates the possibility of true freedom.

But, it's not even just about the physical body. When you add in the thoughts and emotions we have, it removes us even further form true freedom. How many of us are slaves to our ego, our lust, our fears? All of us, to some extent. We think freedom is a real possibility? Sure, we can be free from some level of influence, but who can say they are free, if not from internal, but external influences? Every where i look there's some one, some sign or advertisement telling me to do this, but not that, This is the external world imposing its limitations and restrictions on our actions.

Thereality is that true freedom, in the physical, will ring chaos and anarchy and we wont get anything done. The only place true freedom exists, and works, is in the afterlife, the spirit world. I'm not saying we should all be in a hurry to get there. I'm simply suggesting we accept that true freedom is the physical is not possible and stop striving for it and just be. Or at the very least, stop killing for it.

What is love?

I recently listened to a podcast by a lady named Jane Donovan called 'LoveLife' and this particular episode was called 'What is Love?' In it Jane talks about the different types of love, referencing the Five Love Languages, and how people show love.

It got me thinking, how do I show love? Time. Spending (and making) time with the people is how I show them I love them. Quality time too, not just the superficial kind, but actually talking and connecting and being present. This is one of the five love languages apparently. 

I also show love by doing things for people, or 'acts of service'. Whether it's big or small, I always show people I care by helping in some way. Not so much with money, but services. I might buy my loved ones a meal or a beer, but usually it's by helping out with something that needs to be done. Like moving house, for example. I have been known to buy people flowers or some kind of junk food treat, especially when I can't physically help them.

 

I am also definitely an affectionate person, I show love by 'physical touch'. Hugs or kisses are the easiest way for me to show, and be shown, affection. I'm a lot more affectionate with lovers, but I am always quick with a hug and a kiss on the cheek as a salutation.

The last two of the five I don't do. Saying 'I love you' means nothing if you don't show it - your actions must match your words. I'm also not big on buying stuff because I'm not a fan of materialism. Besides, buying a new ring will get old eventually. I mean, I o it habe 10 fingers. What will you do then? Toe rings? Bracelets?

This all got me thinking about self-love. What struck me as odd is that I don't show myself love in these ways. I don't spend time with myself, do things for myself or show myself affection. It also struck me that this would be the perfect strategy to start showing love to myself.

Self-love has been a struggle all my life. There is a culture in Australia, called the 'tall poppy syndrome', where you are ridiculed for having a high (or perhaps it might actually be healthy,) level of self-confidence and you are seen as 'up yourself' if you say you love yourself, or even like yourself. People don't like you getting 'too big for your boots' and say things to bring you down.

Early on you realise it is not normal, even wrong, to love yourself, or even like yourself. People would say 'look at her, she loves herself sick!' And you'd be looked down upon for doing it. So this 'tell yourself you love yourself' thing has been particularly hard as I didn't want to appear 'up-myself'.

Now, i realise it is not my problem. It is not my problem what people think of me. This 'tall poppy' culture is not my problem. I have accepted it is a reflection of the society in which I live, not a reflection on me in any way. It is perfectly acceptable to have a healthy level of self-confidence and self-love. Still, the how alluded me.

Until I heard Jane's podcast. Until I thought of how I needed to show these things to myself. Until I made a decision to start doing so. Then I started to love myself just a little bit more.

It's a long journey, and one whose path I have already veered away from, but perhaps writing this will remind me. I'll also not beat myself up for getting off track. I'll simply hop back on the 'self-love' road and gonabout my business. 

Fear Triggers, Emotional Reactions and Manifestation

Of all the lessons I have learned in my life, fear manifestation has been the hardest to assimilate. I understand that what we focus on is what we manifest, and there have been numerous instances of myself attracting what I did not want. Yet, I still find myself focusing on my fears and bringing the exact experiences I do not want into my life.

The perfect example occurred today.

I did not get much sleep last night because of a spoilt cat and some other emotional turmoil that kept my mind racing from 2am when the cat woke me for food, until sometime shortly before 5 when I think I dozed lightly until my alarm woke me at ten minutes to 7 (adjusted at sometime around 5 am in the hopes of getting an extra 30 minutes sleep in). All up I had around 5 hours of broken sleep and I knew the day was going to be a struggle.

The aforementioned 'spoilt cat', Eddie Treebird. Just can't stay mad at that face!

You see, I am a teacher. A high school teacher. And teenagers are like hungry lions hunting their prey – if they find a weakness they attack until they are sated and their prey is a mangled mess of blood and bones. Well, they were the lions and I was the lame wildebeest! They sensed my weakness and were relentless. And if I was less self-aware I would be typing this from a deep, hot bubble bath surrounded by candles, wine and some random relaxation music from YouTube.

But I am self-aware, and the reality is I created these experiences by my own actions and reactions. Sure, I was the lame wildebeest, but had I just grabbed a camouflaged split to hide my gammy leg I would never have been devoured and I would now be running in the wild with the rest of my wildebeest family!

Had I gone into today without expectation, or with the expectation that I would have a good day and that I would be in control regardless of how I felt, I would have been fine. However, I didn’t and this expectation also triggered other emotions in me, namely that of inadequacy.

I have struggle with feelings of inadequacy and not being good enough for as long as I can remember and for reasons I can list with almost all my fingers. I have worked extremely hard in recent years at rectifying and healing this side of me, but it rears its ugly head every now and then, especially when I am already a bit emotional.

So, not only did I go into today with expectations of struggle, but with my inadequacy in overdrive and it showed in the events of the day. I failed to begin the lessons well and lost my way in the middle. I saw the slightest disruption or distracted student as utter contempt and disrespect for me on their part. I engaged in arguments with students that I would have otherwise nipped in the bud with ‘we will discuss this tomorrow at lunch’. And I ended up making my emotional state worse in the long run.

These, in fact most behaviours exhibited by teenagers is the result of nothing more sinister than bad choices, lack of understanding and experience, and misplaced priorities. Yet, I allowed my expectations and emotions to interpret them as a coordinated attack, when the truth is they couldn’t coordinate themselves into an orderly canteen line, let alone a plot to undermine my authority.

At the end of the day, I manifested this situation – my expectations guided my actions and reactions and I had the bad day I ‘knew’ I would. And we do it all the time! How often have we gone to a family dinner party expecting to get into a fight and the exact thing has happened? Worse still, how many times has this happened because of our own actions? How often have we had to fight for something simply because we always have had to and expect to continue to? How often do we attract the wrong partner because we have the ‘all men/women are arseholes/bitches’ mentality?

The list of examples is endless! So, what do we do?

For me, it is time to put my big girl pants on, face my fears of inadequacy, take responsibility for my own actions, release the expectations and just ‘see what happens’. Sure, I didn’t sleep well and I am a little emotional, but I’ll take a deep breath and ‘see what happens’. I might just surprise myself. Having said this, the students will still argue, misbehave and fail to listen, but I will be in a better emotional state (fake it til you make it, right?) and will not react the same way and things will not escalate as far in the future.

And that is a win for all involved. :)