The battle between free will and determinism

Free will - the ability to freely choose one's own actions and deliberate and decide between alternative options.

Determinism - every action in the present is the direct result of everything that came before. 

The battle between which is right has been a focus on philosophical understandings for centuries, ever since Descartes said "I think therefore I am".

It has also been my own inner battle. 

Many people wholeheartedly believe we have free will, yet in the next breath will say something like 'it was meant to be' or 'God works in mysterious ways' or 'it's part of your soul contract!' (From my more spiritual friends). All of these are contrary to the idea of free will. How can you freely choose to do something that was in your soul contract? How can you freely choose when there is a higher power playing us like puppets? 

The reason I ask, more specifically to this article because I am always asking the big questions, is this morning I had made a decision to stay at home and get some stuff done before we go away this weekend. I had told my employer and mentally prepared my day. Then, at 6.50am, this same employer rings me and asks me to work. I politely decline and mention I will see him tomorrow anyway. But it got me thinking, what was I meant to do? Was it predetermined I would stay at home, or was I meant to work based on the fact he called, especially after I had said I wanted the day off? What was it that the universe wanted me to do?? What was in my soul contract about today? 

It occurs to me as I am writing this that I may be reading too much into it. Maybe  the soul contract is similar to a work one - these are you main duties, as long as you fulfil this role, the rest is up to you. Work doesn't tell you what to do on your days off, or even watch over you as you work. They trust you get the job done and take action if you don't. Simple... Since I feel I am on a spiritual 'holiday', as uni is finished for the semester, maybe this is my weekend and I can spend it however I want, meaning that my choice not to work today was made entirely by my free will and not spirit, God or the universe or whatever is causing determinism... 

This is good, since my recent research into the nature of free will and determinism has lead me to believe in more of a soft determinist approach - we can only choose when we are aware of the source of what is causing our actions - 

(Side note - much of my research defined fatalism and determinism - fatalism being the beleif in fate or a higher, guiding power, and determinism being the belief in the influence of biology upon our actions and the idea that the present is caused by what happened before and there can be no other options. Anyway, back to it...)

- one cannot choose to do something other than what they are doing if they are not aware of the psychological or biological mechanisms that lead to this behaviour. Like the woman who always chooses abusive men based on her own experience with men growing up and what this taught her to expect from men - she cannot make a different choice until she is aware of the alternative and that her tendency to choose the former is based on psychological beliefs and assumptions about the world and men. Therefore, it is predetermined that she will always choose abusive men until she is taught otherwise. 

Many would argue that her realisation of her pattern is predetermined, because certain things had to happen in order for her to become aware, and this I have not thought about as yet, but might do now I have a little more time. My initial instinct is to say that it is not, but I am not sure why yet... It's just intuition... 

Anyway, the main point is whether I was meant to work today or stay at home, or whether I had a choice in the matter at all. The idea of removing free will all together fills me with such dread, such fear that I will 'get it wrong' and do something I wasn't meant to do. But on the other hand, if determinism is true then I was always only ever going to have done what I did, therefore, the only 'wrong' exists in my mind and not in reality. The only time it was 'wrong' for me to not work today is in the belief that I was meant to do the other, but if I was I would have, right? Therefore, what I am doing today was always predetermined and would not have changed at all. I am still getting it 'right' despite thinking the opposite...

Anyway, I think for me this little ramble has uncovered something valuable to me... I do believe in a soul contract and I do believe I chose to be here now for a purpose, but that does not include what i do on my weekends!! For me to fulfil my duties to my 'employer' I must first receive my 'job training', which is university - this is what I was doing and will be again once the semester starts next year... So, in the meantime, I am having a 'weekend'. I am going to do what most people do in their 'weekends' and that is whatever they want to: work or don't work; housework or no housework; read or not read; write or not write - it doesn't matter! 

And that's the point... It's my weekend now, I will spend it how I wish and the universe can call me back to 'work' on 'Monday'!! 

Hazards of being an Empath in Love

Sometimes it is hard to be around certain people when you easily pick up their emotions, especially if that person is a significant other. How do you deal with their shit and remain detached when there is an emotional attachment? I find this a very hard thing to deal with... The other night my significant other and I were doing the housework. It has been a big few months, so there was a lot to do. We had a plan of who would do what and set about getting it done. well, he has a tendency to go from zero to Hulk in less than a second when things don't go as smoothly as he expects them to. I am not sure if this is the trait of a ranga, a Leo or just specific to him, but it's there nonetheless... So, as is inevitable when doing housework, things did not go as smoothly as he would like and of course, The Hulk comes out. And then I feel it... It actually hurts me physically and I tend to cower away and want to run and hide in the corner. My adult self know where this comes from, having had an overly aggressive father (Freud would love me!), and I know it has nothing to do with anything I have or haven't done, but still it affects me. I feel it seep into my normally happy, optimistic self and it drains me. I find I unintentionally get sucked into his mood and it wrecks me. He seems to be able to return to normalcy fairly quickly, but it takes me forever... I don't get angry myself, merely sad or frustrated - I haven't been able to pinpoint the exact emotion yet, I just know I feel bad! I feel tired and drained and awful for much longer than he does and sometimes it leaves me sick on the stomach. So, how to deal with it? It is something only I can control - I can't make him stay calm, or look at the real issues underlying his anger, I can only control how I react. This I know... I thought I had it sorted - white light, bubble and send it back with love; remind myself it has nothing to do with me or anything I have done; send love to my inner child and all that - but it seems that I haven't got it as down as I thought. I realise it isn't mine and that it has nothing to do with me, I had that figured out months back, but I still can't seem to detach completely when he does this. I don't have the answers yet, but I do know that the next time it happens I am either going to ask him politely to relocate to another room or do so myself - if I can't work out how to detach from it when in his presence, I will attempt to remove myself physically and see how that goes... Luckily, he is aware of his temper and how it affects me, even if he doesn't understand why or how, and he is willing to compromise! He may not be willing to change it, but he is willing to adjust which is a blessing! I just have to remember it's not mine, it's his and to detach as best I can - it's the only way I think we can survive it!!

Diversion Therapy?

Another night on my own, and another night for me to think too much again... I start wondering about life, as usual, the meaning for it all and the panic sets in. I try to tell myself I will work it all out some day, and that calms me a little. Yet, I know at any time it can come back with a vengeance. The fear... The anxiety... A weird mix of the two... I have spoken to a few people about their thoughts of death and what happens after and only a handful of people share my anxiety. Many just shrug and say 'you can't stop it so why worry?' why indeed... if only I knew. I has haunted me since at least my early teens. It comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I'm good, others I completely lose my shit and have an all out panic attack. I would never say I have a disorder - I feel it would be an insult to people who actually have one - but sometimes I feel it like a blanket covering my body throughout the day. I can't get away from it. Everything I do reminds me that one day I will no longer be here. Driving, brushing my teeth, meeting new people, catching up with the old... and watching action movies is no longer a fun pass time as I am constantly aching for the loss of so many people - silly, I know, because they aren't actual people - 'but what if they were?' my mind asks, sadly. All those lives snuffed out for some stupid criminal mastermind or some random junkie or a reckless cop... makes me sad... It also makes me confront those issues I try and hide from, but like a relentless salesperson, it comes back. Calling me in the night, during the day, while eating dinner, while showering... it is always there... Anyway, the whole point of this is to try and write through my thoughts about life, love and everything and hope that I come up with some sort of answer for the big questions... Is this just a diversion from my endless need to analyse everything? Perhaps... I know a few people who would say 'definitely!' and one that would accuse me of being a drama queen... I am not hopeful I will come up with the magic formula of life and death, but I am hoping that one day I can at least say 'I can't stop it, so why worry?'