Diversion Therapy?

Another night on my own, and another night for me to think too much again... I start wondering about life, as usual, the meaning for it all and the panic sets in. I try to tell myself I will work it all out some day, and that calms me a little. Yet, I know at any time it can come back with a vengeance. The fear... The anxiety... A weird mix of the two... I have spoken to a few people about their thoughts of death and what happens after and only a handful of people share my anxiety. Many just shrug and say 'you can't stop it so why worry?' why indeed... if only I knew. I has haunted me since at least my early teens. It comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I'm good, others I completely lose my shit and have an all out panic attack. I would never say I have a disorder - I feel it would be an insult to people who actually have one - but sometimes I feel it like a blanket covering my body throughout the day. I can't get away from it. Everything I do reminds me that one day I will no longer be here. Driving, brushing my teeth, meeting new people, catching up with the old... and watching action movies is no longer a fun pass time as I am constantly aching for the loss of so many people - silly, I know, because they aren't actual people - 'but what if they were?' my mind asks, sadly. All those lives snuffed out for some stupid criminal mastermind or some random junkie or a reckless cop... makes me sad... It also makes me confront those issues I try and hide from, but like a relentless salesperson, it comes back. Calling me in the night, during the day, while eating dinner, while showering... it is always there... Anyway, the whole point of this is to try and write through my thoughts about life, love and everything and hope that I come up with some sort of answer for the big questions... Is this just a diversion from my endless need to analyse everything? Perhaps... I know a few people who would say 'definitely!' and one that would accuse me of being a drama queen... I am not hopeful I will come up with the magic formula of life and death, but I am hoping that one day I can at least say 'I can't stop it, so why worry?'